As you already know, several years ago I fell in love with the most perfect woman in the world. At the time, we became very close friends. There were tickle fights, comfortable cuddles, staring contests, board games and car rides. We had great times together. Nothing but, as a matter of fact. We were a team, noticed by everyone.
Then one day it changed. Without warning she began to avoid me like the plague. I was devastated and crushed to say the least. I had no idea why she stopped treating me as nice as she once had. We had been great together for so long, I didn't know what was going on or what to do about it. I consulted my sister on the issue and even she didn't know what was going on.
I decided to wait it out and give her the space that she seemed to need.
I wish I hadn't done that. I feel like it was that choice that lead to our downfall. I have often regretted that decision since she told me off (in no uncertain terms) four years ago. I felt like an idiot to have goofed up on such a no-brainer. She was the only woman I have ever been in love with. She still is. I mean I never even looked at another girl. Our destiny together was such a forgone conclusion to me that I never doubted we would be together.
I know now what a stupid choice I made. I have no doubt that had I not backed off, no matter how confused I was, I would be married to her this very day. I would have married her two years ago, instead of the other guy.
To make matters worse she even said as much when she finally told me off (you know, I don't love you, maybe once, but not now, bla, bla, bla, Dear John type stuff). And she wrote something to me then that confused me even more and I never understood it. She admitted to having a crush on me once and mentioned that time period that everything had changed. I never understood that statement. I figured she must have made a mistake. It was obvious to me that it was at that time that she stopped liking me. After all, you don't avoid the one your in love with.
Or do you?
I was watching Clueless last night. I had never seen it. I had always wanted to, but for some reason I never got the opportunity. Which is interesting to me considering I have always been a fan and enjoyed Alicia Silverstone.
The movie wasn't as good as I had hoped, but it did deliver a lesson I wish I had learned ten years ago. In the movie Alicia's character has a goofy, annoying yet cute relationship with her older step-brother, Josh. The movie comes from her perspective and although it's clear she's not attracted to him it is also clear she enjoys the relationship. I didn't pay too much attention to the relationship because I didn't think that was what the movie was about.
Nor did I associate their relationship with mine. There was no reason to. Where theirs was more of an annoying, love-to-hate type, mine had been the cute, pure love type.
Then the movie turned over a new light and Alicia's character realized she was in love with Josh. At the point in the movie that it happened, it had become predictable. What I was not prepared for, however, was how she reacted.
She didn't know how to act. That next shot with her sitting rigid and almost scared, but certainly uncomfortable on the couch next to Josh hit me like a load of bricks. She started to avoid him because she didn't know how to act around him now that she was in love with him. What was once comfortable for her had now became confusing.
Alicia's character displays in that movie the exact same characteristics that ‘Beautiful' did toward me all those years ago. Of corse she could have had a crush on me then. Everything before that was, to her, just a great friendship. Then, she realizes she's in love with me and doesn't know how to act with me. I was clueless.
It makes my mistake seem so much more gross now. As if I didn't carry enough blame already.